Each year, roughly 3,000 same-sex couples in the United Kingdom start a cycle of fertility treatment. That figure translates into 3,000 separate consultations, 3,000 dinner-table discussions about next steps, and 3,000 waiting periods that can leave relationships in a state of uncertainty. The financial outlay, emotional strain, and the sheer hope invested in each cycle often seep into other areas of life, particularly the couple’s intimacy and sexual connection.
Why the fertility journey can unsettle a partnership
According to Anya Sizer a trustee of the Fertility Alliance the stress begins with a societal assumption: “For a lot of us, there’s this assumption that we will be parents somehow. When that is challenged, it can be incredibly stressful.” For gay couples, the process is rarely straightforward, and the partner who is not physically carrying the embryo may experience feelings of jealousy or marginalisation. Sizer stresses that clinics should recognise these emotions as legitimate: “Often the partner can feel sidelined and that’s not the fault of the person going through treatment.”
Beyond the emotional tug-of-war, the physical aspects of treatment—regular injections, invasive scans, and constant monitoring—create a protective instinct over one’s body. Jamie Forster a person-centred counsellor at London Women’s Clinic notes that patients may simply not feel in the mood for sexual contact when they are being repeatedly poked: “If you’re doing treatment – where you’re being poked, you’re taking injections and going for invasive scans – you might not want that intimacy.” This protective stance can widen the so-called expectation gap where the imagined rapid success of a treatment clashes with the reality of loss, delays, and cycles of hope.
Concrete ways to keep the romantic bond strong
Both experts agree that intimacy does not have to be limited to sex. Sizer suggests simple, non-clinical activities—going to the cinema, cooking a special dinner, or any shared hobby—can pull couples out of the “fertility treatment bubble” and remind them of who they are beyond the medical process. She adds, “It’s really easy for any of us to lose sight of who we are when going through treatment.” Maintaining a sense of normalcy helps moderate the pressure to achieve results quickly and protects the relationship from the “expectation gap”.
For couples who feel isolated, support groups exist to validate their experiences. Sizer emphasizes that normalising these feelings is essential: “There are fantastic support groups to reach out to. We need to normalise it.” Moreover, professional counselling is portrayed not as a last-resort remedy but as a maintenance tool. Forster explains, “Counselling is not for the broken. It’s sometimes for maintenance.” This reframing encourages partners to view therapy as a proactive measure, helping them to discuss how sex and affection fit into their evolving lives.
The London Women’s Clinic offers a specialised fertility counselling service, which is included in treatment packages such as Kind iVF. The clinic also organises support groups and events that connect patients with specialists and peers. Couples interested in further community backing can explore the media platform DIVA a publication for LGBTQIA+ women and gender-diverse people that now operates as a charitable trust. DIVA provides both informational content and a sense of belonging, reinforcing the message that love and family building need not be solitary journeys.
By recognising the legitimacy of partner-specific feelings, seeking out supportive networks, and deliberately carving out non-clinical moments of connection, couples can protect their romantic bond while navigating the inevitable ups and downs of building a family.
