“As a sexologist, I, if anyone, should know how to do it. Right?” Those words echo in the mind of Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist who has spent three decades researching intimacy. Despite writing countless articles, advising clients, and lecturing on the many pathways to pleasure, the specific phenomenon of squirting has remained elusive for her. In this candid piece, Roos explains how a lifetime of study did not automatically translate into personal experience, and why that gap is nothing to be ashamed of.
My lifelong quest to squirt
From early adulthood, Roos approached the subject with the same rigor she applies to any other aspect of sexual health. She experimented in a variety of contexts—alone, with a partner who understood the mechanics, and with a range of toys marketed as “must-have” for achieving the gush. Each session was undertaken with an intention to relax fully, to let go of expectations, and to honor the body’s signals. Yet, despite employing proven techniques and adhering to expert guidelines, the anticipated release never manifested. The repeated lack of success prompted a cascade of self-questioning: “Maybe I’m not relaxed enough,” “Perhaps a different toy will finally work,” and “Am I missing something essential?”
When expectations become pressure
The relentless pursuit of a specific climax began to feel less like exploration and more like a target to hit. Roos describes how the pursuit transformed from curiosity to a source of pressure casting a shadow over the broader sexual experience. The anxiety seeped into other intimate moments, turning pleasure into a performance metric. Over time, this internal tension manifested as a subtle dread of intimacy itself, eroding the joy that had once defined her sexual encounters. It was her partner—her wife—who finally interrupted the cycle, reminding her that the absence of squirting does not equate to a deficient sex life. The realization that a single physiological response should not dictate
Finding freedom in acceptance
With her wife’s reassurance, Roos shifted her focus from the elusive gush to the broader landscape of connection, trust, and mutual pleasure. She embraced the idea that bodies differ, and that not everyone is wired to produce a visible spray of fluid. The acceptance of this fact liberated her from the self-imposed shackles of perfection. She now emphasizes that the ability to squirt is a wonderful experience for those who have it, but equally, those who do not are wholly complete and capable of deep satisfaction. By removing the stigma, she encourages others to let go of the myth that this climax is a mandatory component of “good” sex, especially within sapphic relationships and the wider LGBTQIA+ community.
Beyond the personal narrative, Roos highlights the platforms that help amplify diverse sexual stories. She contributes to Passionerad Love a Swedish magazine dedicated to intimate wellbeing, and supports DIVA a media outlet for LGBTQIA+ women and gender-diverse people that has celebrated the community for over 30 years. DIVA now operates under the DIVA Charitable Trust inviting readers to sustain queer media for future generations. By sharing her journey through these channels, Roos hopes to normalize varied sexual experiences and promote a culture where every body is respected, regardless of whether it can squirt.
